Thursday, September 4, 2008

clearing the mind

there are some folks in this world that take things to a place where they do not need to go. today i'll refer to this as the "big freak out". i'll also let you know that i'm not going for the big freak out. the big freak out can be driven by a number of things.
  • the next big hustle person
  • the did not do the work up front and now i'm scrambling person
  • the life is not absolutely perfect and it's your fault person
  • the why are you here early person
  • the control freak control freak person
  • the there's so much on my plate, can't handle any more bits person
  • the needs even more life drama than regular life drama person
  • the simply angry or unhappy person
  • the still learning and not comfortable with telling you so person
  • the person who simply enjoys a regular freak out
i thought about this, the big freak out, on the way to the theatre today.

i've been in prime observation mode - observation inside and out,observation of self, observation of self with others, observation of self in relationship to environment, observation of self with varied other personalities, observation of self without family creatures while on the road, observation of self in relationship to family, observation of the bits of me directly learned, taught, built in from family, observation of self alone with self, observation of self in dream state, wake state, quite state, dancing state, running state, work state - just pretty much daily observation in search of a clue to the type of person i seem to be today.

the primary questions i ask myself are
  • what do i want ?
  • what is it that i do not want?
  • how can i be a better person?
  • how do i shift the path toward that better being?
  • what can i start right now?
  • how do i structure the change to allow one step of growth to feed and/or forge another?
yes, i have been doing a lot of thinking. i do this every once in a while and often while i'm on the road. it seems the being away from the comforts of home home trigger this in me. i don't think it has anything to do with my age but then again i might be fooling myself not to think it possible. 40 years and handful of months might make me ponder, where am i now, but more likely, in my brain anyway, its just me wondering, me thinking deep.

the first thing i've learned is that i'm not one for the big freak out. it's not my way. i find myself feeling sorry for those who invite the big freak out. it requires a huge investment and explosion of energy that could, in my opinion, be resourced toward happier endeavors.

truth be told, i have in the past been the big freak out person and all i can say about that is bad news folks, bad bad news. i should also admit that, in my opinion, it took me far far too long to learn the lesson - the big freak out = wasted energy = no solution = another bit of wasted energy on another big freak out.

why does this come up? well the living in manhattan this past week has reminded me of the frenetic existence many folks live, a frenetic existence i once believed would lead me toward a bigger, better, more recognized life. i once thought, the faster i move, the better, the more busy i was the better and if ever i looked like i was slowing down or if i ever actually chose to slow down that, at that very moment, i would immediately lose all credibility and all respect from fellow colleagues and fellow business folk in my chosen field.

guess what? some of it may be true and some of it may not. the question i now ask is who runs your life? what will you allow to color the choices you make for yourself? which choices will you make in order to move towards greater happiness?

which brings me back to the questions for self.
  • what do i want ?
    • a home where quiet is possible
    • a home where light is plenty
    • a home where trees and plants can/do grow
    • a home where i can grow food for self and creatures
    • a home where we can be comfortable
    • a home where we can feel safe
    • a home where sharing happens
    • a home welcoming to friends and family
    • i want to live in a place where
      • i enjoy breathing the air
      • enjoy the morning run
      • smell the change of season
      • there are four seasons
      • i can sit outside
      • be quiet
      • be
    • i want to live smaller
  • what is it that i do not want?
    • i want not to live in the heart of a loud city
    • i want not to create a life filled with stresses i cannot remedy
    • i want not to live in a place which requires "work, work,work" in order to pay the bills
    • i want not to be separate from nature
      • stars
      • bodies of water
      • bird and insect sounds
      • dirt, grasses (wild), rock and sand
      • hills and wooded areas
      • parks with natural plantings
    • i want not to be fearful in career
    • i want not to be driven by career
    • i want not to be away from family at important times
    • i want not to be a part of any more big freak outs
  • how can i be a better person?
    • treat people as i wish to be treated
    • live smaller so that i can give more of myself to meaningful experiences
    • spend more time with family and family creatures
    • give myself a break when i stumble along the way
    • live with less - we've learned how on this adventure
    • continue the sustainable adventure
    • share more with others
    • exercise more regularly
      • which leads directly to better sleep
      • and happier days
    • let those you appreciate know so
    • refrain from speaking poorly of others
    • fix what i can
    • smile more
    • laugh more
    • listen more
    • get out and socialize more
      • though, that may be a tough one knowing the loner type that i am
  • how do i shift the path toward that better being?
    • two words - baby steps
  • what can i start right now?
    • looks like i've already started
    • more structured exercise would be helpful as it leads to clear and focused pondering time.
    • beginning the move to a smaller, less $$ resource required lifestyle
  • how do i structure the change to allow one step of growth to feed and/or forge another?
    • not sure exactly - some thoughts
      • start with one baby step
      • trust the gut
      • do not turn back
      • do not cower in fright
      • believe in self
      • use what i know
      • keep up the sustainable lifestyle
      • do not worry for what other folks think of my actions
yes indeed change is coming. i can smell it. i can feel it and i believe i'm already in the middle of it. the actions are set in motion. how big a change, don't quite know yet but the message is out to the universe and i'm sure the universe will respond.

1 comment:

Ash said...

hippie chick,

I really admire you. Thank you for this.